Snow Drift
by DSpeedblood
Summary: A new curse is in town, and the stakes are higher than ever. All the residents of Storybrooke square off in a winner-take-all drift race tournament to see who will challenge the Tortoise and the Hare to one final race for the fate of the world. And at the center of it all is Dirk Speedblood, Storybrooke's new Gingerbread Man.
1. Chapter 1

The enchanted forest. Midnight. The Evil Queen's carriage barreled down the trail, hauling doom and despair to any peasants unlucky enough to challenge the queen to a race. Regina always cheated in her carriage races; it was a common sight for rival racers to burst into flames, at which point the queen would simply shrug and make an offhanded comment about the dangers of spontaneous combustion. But tonight was different.

The roar of a car's engine tore through the darkness. Regina could see headlights behind her, gaining quickly. "But, there shouldn't be cars in the enchanted forest!" She summoned her guards, and the black-garbed soldiers climbed onto the roof of the carriage to lie in wait for the approaching vehicle.

Regina squinted as she was blinded by the headlights. She threw a fireball at the vehicle, but the car swerved to dodge. From the light of the flame, she could see a shiny Volkswagen badge in the car's grill. The car revved its engine and pulled up to pass.

"On him!" cried Regina. Two of her guards leapt from the carriage but bounced harmlessly off the hood of the car. Another guard started to fire arrows at the car, but the Volkswagen dodged them easily and continued to pass. It was going to pass Regina's carriage.

As the Volkswagen passed, Regina stared daggers at the vehicle's driver. Her jaw dropped. Sitting in the driver's seat was what could only be described as a large, human-like rabbit. Brown velvet ears, a pink nose, a Cheshire grin- it was unmistakably a rabbit. And then Regina recognized the irony- the car was a Volkswagen Rabbit.

The car passed the Evil Queen's carriage, but to Regina's surprise, it seemed to slow significantly. Was the rabbit, or rather, the Hare, slowing to gloat? Or was it something else?

"Milady! Something approaches from the rear!" called Regina's last bodyguard.

Angered by the interruption, Regina cast a spell on the bodyguard and launched him into the sky. As he vanished into a speck in the distance, she wondered how he'd enjoy spending the rest of his life on the moon. Her musing was interrupted by another set of lights coming from the back.

Regina immediately recognized the car's design- a Mitsubishi Turtle. The car was deceptively fast- even though it appeared to be plodding along steadily, she noticed the distance between her carriage and the car shrinking. She watched bemusedly as the car passed. Her eyes bulged when she saw the driver- a humanoid Tortoise! Hairless green skin glistening in the pale moonlight, the Tortoise continued its pace and easily passed the showboating Hare.

"Could it be?" Regina asked herself. Had one of Henry's Ninja Turtles somehow come to life? But if that was the case, what was the Hare? "Driver, take me back to the castle. I have some research to do. EVIL research!" Regina frowned evilly and watched the taillights disappear off into the distance.

MEANWHILE

Dirk Speedblood was lost. One moment, he was driving through Maine, following a rumor that would help him bring back his girlfriend, who in a freak accident was transformed into a magic crystal and shattered into pieces that were used to fuel his 1993 red Honda Civic past the speed of sound. The next, he was driving his Civic on a cobblestone path through a pitch black forest.

A flash of movement along the side of the road caused Dirk Speedblood to slam on his E-brake. He slid to a stop and rolled down his window to let some light out into the forest so he could better see what had moved. To his surprise, the movement came from a young lad no more than twenty years of age.

"Hi, I'm Henry! Can you give me a lift?" asked the lad.

"I don't know…" said Dirk Speedblood. "I was always warned about this kind of thing. What if you're evil? I've seen The Omen. I know how this works!"

Henry turned a bright shade of red. "Actually, my mom is the evil one. And my grandpa. And a few other relatives. It's a long story. But I promise that I'm not evil."

Dirk Speedblood didn't trust Henry, but he knew he'd need all the help he needed to find his way through the forest. Still, he resolved to keep his eye on the lad. Henry pulled open the door and hopped into the passenger seat.

"So where to, Henry?" asked Dirk Speedblood. "I have to admit, I'm a bit lost around these parts. What's the deal with this place, anyways?"

Henry shifted his eyes, thought for a moment, and replied carefully, "Just your everyday curse. This kind of thing happens all the time around here."

"Ha," Dirk Speedblood chuckled. He didn't believe in magic. Nothing would ever make him believe in magic. Despite all the signs around him, all the things that had happened in his life, he promised himself that magic wasn't real.

"Ok," said Henry. "Let's go to my grandpa's place. Even though he's evil, he can act like he's a decent guy from time to time. And if you've got something he wants, he definitely wont hurt you until he's gotten it from you."

Dirk Speedblood wasn't sure if Henry was serious. "Whatever you say, kid."

"Kid!? You're not that much older than me, are you?" asked Henry.

"You'd be surprised how much battle ages you," replied Dirk Speedblood, "and I've seen my fair share."

"Cool!" shouted Henry with a bit too much enthusiasm. "We'll have to fight to the death someday. That'd be fun, wouldn't it?"

Dirk Speedblood grimaced and rubbed the hideous scar on his face, a small upside-down L shaped mass beneath his right eye. "Whatever you say, kid."

The shape of a gargantuan, terrifying yet elegant manor came into focus in front of Dirk Speedblood. He slowed the Civic down, shifting it into neutral to ease the wear on his tires. "What in the name of Honda?"

Before the car even stopped, Henry pushed open the door and rolled out of the moving vehicle. "Grandpa! I'm coming!" Henry darted off and disappeared through the front door of the manor. Dirk Speedblood sat and watched as a bolt of lightning illuminated the vast mansion. What horrible secrets lay within? Gritting his teeth, Dirk Speedblood decided to find out. He put the car into second gear and drove straight through the doors of the manor.

MEANWHILE

Emma threw the book straight at Hook's face. He barely managed to block it with his hook. "Now what did I do to deserve that, love?" asked Hook innocently. He unscrewed his flask and took a swig of rum, a task easier said than done with only one hand.

"Other than pillaging, plundering, and being a generally bad person?" Emma grinned. "Maybe I was just testing your reflexes."

With a quick flick of his hook, Hook tossed the book back at Emma. Startled, she summoned an orange ball of light energy and blasted the book into pieces. Scorched pieces of parchment floated down toward the table.

The door to the library groaned open as Belle entered hurriedly. "Have you found it? A small, brown book with a green cover? That's the one with the spell that will allow us to break this curse."

Emma and Hook both stared at the shreds of paper scattering through the air. They looked at each other, then at Belle, then back at each other.

"Was that…?" asked Emma.

"I think so," said Hook.

Belle tapped her foot impatiently. "So you found it? Good, then let's recite the spell and get everything back to normal." She paused when she saw the guilty expressions on Emma and Hook's faces. "Or not?"

Emma blushed. "Do you have a plan B?"

MEANWHILE

"You can't be serious." Snow White pouted angrily at Charming. "You're really telling me that Henry is evil. Our Henry?"

"I know how it sounds!" Charming shook his head in exasperation. "I had a hard time believing it myself, but it's definitely true!"

The sound of the whistle from a tea kettle broke the room's silence. Charming got up and began to pour tea for Snow and himself. "I saw it with my own eyes. He just walked right up to a villager and tore the poor guy's beating heart from his chest!"

Snow laughed. "You saw Henry do that? I have a hard time believing that."

But Charming was serious. "That's not the end of it. While the poor guy was standing there stunned, Henry took a bite out of the guy's heart, right in front of him. He apparently didn't like the taste of it, so he tossed the heart to the ground."

Snow tried to act undisturbed, but her frenzied response gave away her unease. "Well, maybe he thought it was an apple. I don't know! Growing up around Regina, can you blame him? And anyhow, I don't believe you!"

"I knew you'd say that," said Charming. He pulled open the drawer under the sink and carefully picked up a rolled ball of cloth underneath. "I think he saw me. He ran off into the woods screaming gibberish after that." Charming brought both cups of tea back to Snow White and set the cloth ball on the table between them. He carefully unrolled the cloth.

"No! That's not…" Snow White stammered.

Within the roll of cloth was a human heart with Henry-sized tooth marks in it.


	2. Chapter 2

Evil cackling echoed off the walls inside Rumpelstiltskin's mansion. "Tehehehehehe!" Rumpelstiltskin waggled his fingers in delight and applied some more gold makeup to his face. He could sense a familiar, and useful, presence approaching.

"Why, Henry, what brings you," he waggled his fingers and pointed flamboyantly at Henry, "to my humble palace?"

"I've got one, grandpa! The heart you're looking for!" Henry panted. "Now can I have my heart back?"

Rumpelstiltskin cackled again and twirled in a circle dramatically. "First things first… Dearie. Whaaat makes you thiiiink this is the one?"

"I saw him in my book before! He drives a red car and has the same hideous scar. It's definitely him!"

"Well…" Rumpelstiltskin did his best to look unimpressed yet bizarrely energetic at the same time. "Let's see about that."

As if on cue, the door to the hall burst open in a blast of splintered wood. Dirk Speedblood drove up to Rumpelstiltskin and rolled down his window.

"Ah, Mr. Dirk Speedblood, it is you!" Rumpelstiltskin clapped his hands together emphatically and did a little jig. "Now what can I do for you?"

"How do you know my name?" asked Dirk Speedblood.

"Names are my trade," replied Rumpelstiltskin. "Hehehehe!" He jiggled his fingers in the air. "Now name your wish and I'll see what I can do."

Dirk Speedblood thought for a moment. He knew he could ask for Krystal Kimiko back, but what good would that be if he couldn't drive fast? After a ten minute pause, he answered, "I want to be the fastest driver ever."

"Indeed, truly an interesting wish, Dearie. Your wish…" he flourished dramatically, "is granted."

Dirk Speedblood looked at his hands. He didn't feel like a faster driver. He instantly regretted not asking for Krystal Kimiko back. A strange sensation swept over him. He looked at his right hand. Were the fingertips… gingerbread!?

"Oh, Dearie." Rumpelstiltskin frowned mockingly and did a little dance. "We must have gotten wishes mixed up, too. Henry, did you wish for something, too?"

"Yes, grandpa. I was just thinking of how hungry I was, and how I really wanted some gingerbread."

"Oooohohohhoho!" cried Rumpelstiltskin. "It's a curse, indeed!" He approached Dirk Speedblood and reached through the Civic's window. "It matters not, though, because all magic comes with a price!" As he said that, he reached into Dirk Speedblood's chest and grabbed for his heart. Dirk Speedblood tried to block the grab, but his feeble gingerbread fingers did him little good.

"Whaaat!?" lamented Rumpelstiltskin. "There's no heart here!"

Dirk Speedblood realized what was going on. "Krystal Kimiko is my heart. Without her, my blood pumps solely from the adrenaline I get from driving fast. If I stop driving, I die."

"Hmm, very well," chuckled Rumpelstiltskin as he waved his hands for dramatic effect. "We'll have to do this the old fashioned way. The Tortoise and the Hare should be able to finish things off for me."

"Henry, get in. We're leaving," said Dirk Speedblood. Henry got in the passenger seat of the Civic. Dirk Speedblood shifted into third gear and prepared to leave.

"Ah, Mr. Dirk Speedblood, Dearie," called Rumpelstiltskin after him. "If you want to undo the gingerbread curse, find Belle at the library. She might be able to find a spell that can undo this curse, but at a price."

Dirk Speedblood gunned the engine and drove out the doors of the hall. Shifting was difficult with his feeble gingerbread fingers, and as he watched, the gingerbread curse spread up his hand. He didn't have much time.


	3. Chapter 3

Hook opened a can of beans with his hook. "Are you sure, Swan? I think it's a good idea."

"No, Hook, I'm not going to let you cut off my hand and replace it with a hook." She pouted and laughed lightly.

"But you've seen all the things I can do with mine! Opening cans is just the start! Just wait until the next time you need to ride a zipline or intimidate the person next to you on a train! Or pull something out of an oven without burning your hand." He pulled off his cutlass and raised the blade. "I'll make it quick, I promise. It wont hurt at all!"

The door behind Hook opened and knocked him off balance. Trying to regain his balance, he flailed about, stumbled out the door, and fell, his hook getting caught in a particularly thick shrub.

"And THAT is why I don't want a hook!" said Emma.

Snow White rushed through the doorway. "Have you found a way to fix the curse yet?" She paused for a moment. "Also… Henry is evil."

"About that…" Emma turned red. "It was Hook's fault!" Outside the door, Hook made a groaning sound as he finally wrenched his hook free. Emma stared at Snow for a few moments as the gears in her head turned. "Wait, Henry is evil?"

"YES! He's been sneaking around, whispering to himself… He ripped out a heart and ate it!"

"He did? Whose was it?"

"Just some peasant, nobody important. Thank goodness! Can you imagine if he killed one of the dwarves? We'd have a real fight on our hands!" Everyone laughed.

Hook reentered the room. "Evil is as evil does, Snow. It could be Henry's just going through a phase."

Emma slapped Hook and he fell backward over a small cart. "A phase where he eats the hearts of random villagers, really?"

Hook grumbled and climbed back to his feet, rubbing his bruises. "I know how it sounds, but Henry is the spawn of the Dark One. We may have to consider that Henry is becoming something else… the Darker One!"


	4. Chapter 4

Regina got back to her castle, but as she opened the door to her study, she remembered a time years ago when she had gone into her study to look up the exact same thing. But why…? Had all this happened before?

It was right before the original curse had banished all the residents of her kingdom to Storybrooke. Regina had gone into the library and opened a book, looking for the secrets of darkest evil that would best smite everyone in the world.

She stared at the words on the page, but she was so angry that the words all appeared as a hopeless blob of letters. She feared that as long as Snow White still lived, she would be too angry to read.

That was when she heard it. A strange, fast, high-pitched voice and a slow, deep voice. Both voices carried on the wind from deep in the forest and through her open window.

"Harharhar," chuckled the high pitched voice. "This is perfect! We'll enact the curse and destroy the world!"

"Destroy the world?" Regina asked herself. "That IS perfect!" She made sure to speak to herself quietly enough that the two unidentified voices wouldn't hear.

"Weeeelllll…" said the slow voice. It was so slow that it took nearly a minute to complete just the one, drawn out word. "It's a bit tough, isn't it?"

"Harhar," said the fast, high voice. "Indeed, it is. The curse has already been cast. It's been active for thousands of years, before the stars and moons existed. But until the price is paid, it wont take effect!"

"Oooooohhh," replied the slow voice.

"Right, so the price. On the night of a full moon, when the two fastest racers in the Enchanted Forest beat the next two fastest racers in the Enchanted Forest, they will be given a choice. Save the world, or destroy it."

"Deeeeessstroooy!" mumbled the slow voice.

"Yes, that's right! We must be the two fastest in the Enchanted Forest, harhar! Once we can find the next two, we can end this world as quickly as we can drive!"

Regina slammed her window in frustration. A curse that could destroy the world, but it'd take two to activate, and she had no friends. Maybe her father Henry, but he was well past his prime driving days and she doubted he was one of the top four carriage racers in the forest any more. She headed to her torture dungeons to brighten her mood.

Back in the present time, Regina snapped out of her deep memory. What were those two voices in the woods, and what did they have to do with what was going on in the Enchanted Forest?


	5. Chapter 5

Regina rolled into town with a vengeance, each of her horses roaring with the power of two hundred horses. It was a strange sight, the carriage in a semi-modern town overrun by woods as a part of the latest curse. The Evil Queen pulled to the center of town and called out.

"Let the second best racer in the forest come and join me! It's time to put an end to this curse!"

The door to Granny's pub opened and a slightly drunk Robin Hood stumbled out. "Regina?"

Regina hopped down from her carriage and kissed Robin Hood with an evil flair. "Robin, I solved the curse. Are you the second fastest racer in town? If so, it's time to end this pathetic curse!"

At the commotion, Grumpy stormed out of the bar after Robin Hood. Belle was first out of the library to get in on the action. As all the town's residents gathered and murmured, Regina spoke up.

"It's time to end the curse and bring Storybrooke back out of the dark ages. All it'll take is the two fastest racers in the realm, of which I assure you I am one. Let's pick the next fastest and get this show on the road."

A surprised chatter circulated through the crowd. Would it really be so easy to undo the curse? Snow White's voice cut through the crowd. "And YOU'RE going to decide who that is? I say we put it to a vote. Charming and I will each vote, and if we agree, that person gets to enter the race."

"Oooh, how democratic!" Regina mocked. "I think it should be Robin. His heart and mine are bound as one, and that'll give us the edge we need to win the toughest race in human history."

Snow White stopped for a moment. "Regina, before you go on any further, you need to know something. Henry is evil now."

A flash of surprise shot across Regina's face. "Evil…? That's impossible. No one is going to make Henry evil but me!"

"Really?" asked Snow, crossing her arms skeptically.

"Ok, ok, that's not what I meant. Actually, I'm going to let Henry get through school and become a real adult before he makes the important decision of whether he wants to be good or evil. But he's seen how tough being evil can be! After all I've gone through, how could he want that for himself?"

The sound of a Honda Civic's engine cut through the night. Robin Hood climbed a lamp post and looked into the distance. He called back down from the post, "It looks like you're going to get a chance to ask him yourself."


	6. Chapter 6

Two years prior to the latest curse, Regina and Robin Hood had a problem.

"For as long as I have been a man, I have loved you, Regina," said Robin Hood. "Truly, it feels like forever."

Regina stroked Robin's beard lovingly. "But what will we do? You've already defied all logic by coming back into Storybrooke, even though you could no longer see it. What must it be like living in a world that's invisible to you?"

Robin felt his way along the wall. "It all appears to be forest to me, which I love almost as much as you. The hard part is not being able to see you."

"Hmmph." Regina paused for a moment. She put on a serious face. "Robin, we have to talk. You may be ok with coming back into a town that's invisible to you, but how long are you going to make Marion put up with this?"

"We've been through this before," said Robin. "And I left town because of it, but then I came back for the same reason. I need you, like a forest needs a band of thieves."

The moonlight twinkled through the stained glass of Regina's family tomb, letting in a hint of twilight upon the scene.

"Robin… I have an idea," said Regina, betraying no sign of levity. "It'll require a big sacrifice on your part, but I have a way for everyone to win. We can have our happy ending."

"Really?" asked Robin, hope in his eyes. "But that can't happen. I'm not going to kill Marion. Not again."

Regina smiled. "Don't worry about that. We don't have to. She wont die. Far from it, she'll actually be immortal, ageless as time itself."

The tension eased from Robin's face. "Well, in that case, let's do it. This is truly a miracle."

Several days later, Regina's spell was ready. At great cost to herself and her family, she summoned enough power to generate the magical portal she intended.

Marion stood in front of the portal and turned back toward Robin and Regina. "Thank you again, Regina. I owe my life to you, and now I have a way to get out of your way and satisfy Robin's honor."

Robin shed a single tear. "Farewell, my wife. I know they say til death do you part, but I believe this parting is great enough to satisfy that requirement."

"Are you sure I'll be ok?" asked Marion.

Regina shrugged. "The portal goes back to the beginning of time itself. But it'll make you ageless. It'll give you all the time you need to need to listen to your heart. To see and hear all the colors of the wind. You'll be able to grow old and give advice to those who seek you out."

"What's the catch?" asked Marion.

"I'm not sure," replied Regina sincerely. "I couldn't translate that part of the spell. It said something about you growing deep roots in the land you dwell in, but I don't see how having a connection to a home is such a bad thing. At times I'd kill for that."

"Thanks again, both of you," said Marion. "Now be happy with each other and let your happiness be good, and your good be happiness." And with that, she leapt through the portal, which dissolved in a shower of sparks.

"Well, that's that," said Regina as she embraced Robin.

"Yes, it is," replied Robin. "Now, will you marry me?"


	7. Chapter 7

Dirk Speedblood rolled down his window. The gingerbread curse had already spread up his whole hand, and it kind of itched. "Henry, do you know these people?"

"Yeah," Henry sighed. "They're my family, but I don't want to see them right now. Not til I have my heart back."

Dirk Speedblood turned off the ignition. "Everyone has to face their fate sometime, Henry. Come on, let's go." Dirk Speedblood opened the Civic's door and got out.

"Henry!" called Emma, rushing from the back of the crowd.

"Hi dearie," said Henry sarcastically, Rumpelstiltskin's evil influence playing over him.

"I don't believe it!" said Emma. "You ate a peasant's heart?"

Henry laughed. "No, that's stupid. I just tasted it to see if it was the heart of the truest racer. It wasn't. But I'm being controlled right now, so I'm not responsible for my own actions."

Hook came forth from the crowd. "Ha, that's laughable. Do you expect us to believe that the Crocodile is responsible for your actions? Way to pass the blame, Darker One."

"Darker One?" Dirk Speedblood asked himself. This was truly a strange town.

"I believe you, Henry," said Regina. "But now on to more pressing matters. How will we identify the second fastest racer in this town?"

Dirk Speedblood stopped, puzzled. "How do you know I'm the fastest racer in this town?"

If Henry wasn't present, Regina would have melted Dirk Speedblood's face off like the bad guys from Raiders of the Lost Ark. "YOU? Don't make me laugh!"

But Henry stood up for Dirk Speedblood. "Mom, he's right. He had Mr. Gold grant him that power, at a cost. Look at his hand!"

The town mareveled at Dirk Speedblood's gingerbread hand.

"You're marked alright," said Regina. "And I have the satisfaction of knowing that when that curse runs to its completion and you're completely gingerbread, I'll have the top spot again. But for now, I'm satisfied to know we're number one and number two. Now let's go end this curse."

The town clamored. Several punches were thrown, and Will Scarlet tried to start a riot. At long last, Dirk Speedblood spoke. "It should be a tournament. I bear the mark of the gingerbread curse as proof of my status, but the rest of the town needs to produce one winner to race alongside me."

Regina spat. "You and your stupid ideas. I decline."

Snow White taunted Regina. "If you're so confident, what do you have to lose by entering a tournament? Just win it and you'll prove to everyone you deserve to rule the roads of Storybrooke."

Regina simmered, but she was caught. Finally, she assented to the proposal. "Fine, everyone who wants in, submit your name to the mayor's office. Single elimination, starting at midnight tonight. But be wary, I do not guarantee the safety of my opponents." And in a whirling purple cloud of smoke, Regina vanished.


	8. Chapter 8

QUALIFYING ROUND: GEPETTO VS. ARCHIE (JIMMINY)

Gepetto shifted into the next gear, the engine of his 1940s Pontiac Woodie roaring to life. His hand-carved wooden body panels were giving him an aerodynamic advantage, and he was making the most of it. At about the halfway point in the circuit, he had a small lead over Archie.

Archie cast some cricket magic on the engine of his own 1973 Plymouth Cricket, and the car chirped forward. "I'm not going to lose this race, Gepetto! Not after all the guilt you've put me through!"

Gepetto rolled down his window. "Guilt? You turned my parents into puppets!" He pointed at his two parent-puppets resting on the dash of his car. "I'm going to squash you like the bug you are!"

Gepetto worked the shifter like a master woodcarver at his craft. The shifter itself was the arm of a prototype Pinocchio, one that had disappointed Gepetto but had proved useful for parts. The old man felt a bond with his car, since it had so many pieces he had crafted himself.

The Cricket was an automatic, having only one gear, so Archie couldn't shift to make up the gap. Instead, he started sliding his car left and right. Because his car was moving both forward and sideways at the same time, it was going a little faster than Gepetto's car, which was just going straight.

"Aarrgh!" shouted Gepetto. "I can't let you win!" But Archie was closing the gap as the finish line neared. Archie laughed gleefully- he was going to win this race.

Suddenly, Gepetto heard a voice. "Son, you must use all the resources at your disposal to win this race. We're counting on you." Gepetto was stunned. Who had spoken? He looked at his puppet-parents, still on the dash. And all of a sudden, he knew what must be done.

The old puppet master grabbed his puppet-parents and tossed them out the passenger-side window, directly into the path of Archie's Cricket. The puppet-parents slammed into Archie's windshield, and the glass burst into a spider web of cracks. Archie slowed because he could no longer see, and Gepetto crossed the finish line in first place.

At the line, Archie caught up with Gepetto and gave him a huge hug. "You did it! I'm so proud of you. You finally let go."

Gepetto realized he had learned a valuable lesson. By tossing out his puppet-parents, he had finally completed the act of forgiving Archie for making them like that in the first place. While at the same time punching his ticket into the tournament to prove who was best in Storybrooke.


	9. Chapter 9

"Ok, qualifying rounds are over," called out Emma. She had just finished replacing the town's clock tower with an ornate golden bracket showing who would race who in what order. It had taken the town all day to put together, and it looked pretty cool.

Hook used his hook to etch each racer's name into the bracket. He called out the resulting grid.

Division 1:  
Regina vs. Sidney  
Will Scarlet vs. Robin Hood

Division 2:  
Henry vs. Smee  
Belle vs. Hook

Division 3:  
Snow vs. Gepetto  
Charming vs. Grumpy

Division 4:  
Emma vs. Hood  
Malificent vs. Frankenstein Whale

At the top of the tower, Snow White called out to the town. "I hereby decree that the winners of each opening round will race the other winner within their division to get to the final four. Then the winners of division 1 and division 2 will race, and same for divisions 3 and 4. Then the final two racers will square off to see who the big winner is."

Regina fumed. "This is garbage. Why can't I be in the same division as Henry?"

Dirk Speedblood nudged Regina. "Psst, it's actually a good thing you're not in the same division! If you were, you'd have to race each other!"

"Oh!" stammered Regina. "Okay, then, that's fine. You may proceed."

Snow White stared daggers at Regina. "IF there are no other objections…" Silence followed. "Then we can get started with the races. We'll take breaks as urgent matters come up, but we don't have much time."

As if on cue, a completely chrome Volkswagen Rabbit and a rusty, rust-colored Mitsubishi Turtle roared in out of nowhere and skidded to a stop in the middle of town. They both rolled down their windows.

"Har har har, that's right! Not much time at all." said the Hare. He held his arm out the window.

"No way," said Dirk Speedblood.

"What is it?" asked Snow.

On the Hare's arm was a small tattoo of the world with an X through it, with the number 5 inked underneath. Dirk Speedblood caught his breath. "It looks like the Hare is one of the top operatives of a German nihilist group called Die Stein Ring. He'll stop at nothing to destroy the world."

"Thaaaaaaatt'ss riiiiiiightt," affirmed the Tortoise.

Henry jumped up and down. "Can I join them? That sounds cool!"

Hook growled, "Still your tongue lest I wrap it around your head and strangle you, Darker One. You know not the great and terrible things I encountered in the deep." Henry backed off.

From the top of the tower, Charming shouted "Hey!" and threw his sword straight at the Rabbit's windshield. But the Hare gunned his engine and the sword stuck harmlessly in the pavement behind the car. "Dang," said Charming. "That never works."

The Tortoise and the Hare sped off, leaving chaos and confusion in their wake. Will Scarlet tried to steal Charming's sword from the pavement, but it was stuck too deeply into the road.

In all the chaos, Robin Hood surprised Regina with a serious face. "Regina, there something important I have to show you." He looked over at Dirk Speedblood. "You too, lad."

"What?" Regina shook Robin. "What could it possibly be!?"

"It's Marion. She's back."


	10. Chapter 10

"Whoa," said Dirk Speedblood. "Is that the tree of wisdom?"

"That tree is garbage," replied Snow. "It doesn't work at all. Charming and I tried it a while ago. Supposedly it didn't work because my baby had potential to turn evil."

Hook grimaced and used his hook to itch his back. "Aye, but evil skips a generation. It was really Henry the tree was speaking foul of."

Robin Hood still looked a bit worried. "None of that matters. The tree can make up its own mind. Right, Marion?"

And with Robin's words, the tree turned around and revealed its old, wrinkly face. "Oooh, well hello all of you. It's good to see you after these billion years!"

"Marion?" Regina asked, her eyes bulging.

"Yes, Regina. Thanks again for sending me back in time. It gave me a lot of time to listen to my heart. To pick up folksy wisdom and share it with the local tribes."

"A talking tree, you don't see that every day!" said Dirk Speedblood. "It's a bummer you can't ride in a car while you're a tree, though. Driving is living for me!"

"That's ok," said Tree-Marion. "As long as some hooligan doesn't come along and carve his initials into me with his hook!" She glared at Hook who hid the hook behind his back.

"Ok, so Marion's a tree. I think this further solidifies that she's out of the picture and that Robin belongs to me," said Regina. "Let's get back to town and get these races on the road."

"Wait!" said Tree-Marion. "I have valuable information."

Snow White shook her head. "I don't trust trees. I fell out of one once."

Hook threw his hook like a boomerang and caught it with his other hand. "It's your call, lad. Do you want to listen to the words of a tree?"

Dirk Speedblood nodded. "Trees are important. They give the planet its air. To think, Marion may have been the very first tree, and the air she provided made life on Earth possible!"

Tree-Marion nodded, and a bunch of leaves fell from the movement. "Very well, Dirk Speedblood. I can tell you how to fix the gingerbread curse which is slowly turning you into a cookie."

"Score!" shouted Dirk Speedblood. Robin Hood high fived Hook, which proved to be a bad idea as he cut his hand.

"Yes," continued Tree-Marion. "You need the five gems of power from five mystical realms."

"That's it?" asked Regina. "I could have figured that out myself! Now make like a TREE and leave!"

"One more thing…" continued Tree-Marion. "You will also need the power of Aladdin…"

Tree-Marion was interrupted by the sound of a chainsaw. The sound of wood tearing echoed off all the other trees in the forest, and with a crack, Tree-Marion fell to the ground, face down.

"Tee hee hee, her BARK was worse than her bite!" said Rumpelstiltskin. "Henry, make sure you keep the face intact when you cut her apart. I want to use it to scare people! Such a WOODEN expression!"

Henry took off his goggles and dropped his chainsaw. "Yes, Grandpa. Don't worry, I'm good at this kind of thing."

Robin Hood was angry. "You monsters! I was married to that tree!"

"Don't worry, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin with an eccentric finger waggle. "She'll grow back in another billion years or so. I wonder, if the face we have keeps talking, and another grows back, which is the real Marion?"

"Rrhhrarhhg" Dirk Speedblood roared. "You'll pay for that. Marion was a good tree."

Rumpelstiltskin snapped off one of Dirk Speedblood's cookie fingers. "Well dearie, that's just the way the cookie crumbles." He crumbled the cookie piece between his fingers and watched the crumbs float away.

"See you on the road," said Dirk Speedblood, and he walked away. Robin Hood cut off a piece of the tree to keep as a memento. As Dirk Speedblood's Honda Civic roared to life, a muffled voice came from Tree-Marion. "Mmmmmph… A Honda Civic… The prophecy is fulfilled."


	11. Chapter 11

Will Scarlett looked at Robin's car and sneered. "Are ye havin' a laff? Ye really think youse got any kinds o' chance 'gainst me, drivin' this heap o' rubbish?"

It was true that the difference between their two cars was vast. Will Scarlett was driving a brilliantly red Skyline GT-R, super-tuned and pushing nearly a thousand horsepower. Robin's car was also red, but that was where the similarities ended. By comparison the Reliant Robin was puny; its three wheels together would barely be as wide as any of the Skyline's. "I just liked it," said Robin Hood.

"Wha'ev'r," said Will Scarlett with an overly exaggerated roll of his eyes, "Le's ge' this o'er wi' 'fore ye car falls a pieces."

At the starting line, the two cars were even, but Robin began falling behind the instant the race started. His car simply didn't have the power to keep up with the Skyline. The cars went into the first turn, Will's car easily powering through it. Robin's car, however, couldn't do the same. Even the relatively mild corner started to make a wheel lift off the ground, and it took all of Robin's effort and concentration to bring it back down. It was the penalty paid by three-wheeled cars—it was far lighter, but also much more unstable. To make up for the rapidly increasing gap between the two cars, Robin pulled out his bow and shot a grappling line into the rear bumper of Will's car! Suddenly, the faster that Will went, the faster Robin went too.

In the fading light of day, Will caught sight of the line connecting the two cars, a thin umbilicus stealing his precious speed. "O', I thin' nae, boyo!" he snarled, maneuvering his car around a fire hydrant.

The hydrant caught the line and snapped it. The feedback sent the Reliant Robin tipping, sending its rear right rear off the ground and bringing the left side of the car perilously close to the ground. "Alright alright alright!" Robin laughed.

Fortunately, since the car was right hand drive, he was able to shift his weight and bring the right side of the car down before it tipped completely over. From where she watched, Regina sighed with relief. There was nothing she would like more than for Robin to win, so that they could celebrate his victory. Trying to be good was difficult, sometimes, but there were few things sweeter than celebrating a victory, and it seemed as though the good guys got to do that more frequently than the villains did. Was it some strange fact of nature that villains lost, or was evil inherently a losing philosophy? Did striving for your own short term benefit at the expense of the long term benefit of society naturally put you at a disadvantage when push came to shove and you had to rely on the very people you had stepped over on your path to power?

As Regina had mused over the whims of reality, Robin and Will had come to the final stretch of the race, a straightaway through a narrow one way street in Storybrooke. Robin had done his best, but his car was still a full three car lengths behind Will's. As the buildings went by on either side, Will laughed, knowing that there was no way that Robin could pass before the finish line. In his car, Robin suddenly switched off his headlights and began flipping switches in his car. Suddenly no longer able to see the light of Robin's car in the fading light of sunset, Will laughed triumphantly. This race was as good as his. "What are you doing?" demanded Regina, "There's no way you can pass Will. It's not possible!"

Robin shook his head, No," he said, "It's necessary."

As he spoke, he used his NOS and jerked the steering wheel sharply, sending the car onto only its right rear wheel as it accelerated. "Robin! You're going to tip over!" shouted Regina.

But Robin had timed his maneuver well, and the left rear wheel that had lifted into the air connected with the buildings on one side of the street. With his car sharply angled and with the boost provided by his NOS, he was making ground on Will, even as the car's center front wheel dangled uselessly. With his headlights off, Will couldn't see the Reliant barely scrapping past him—until Robin turned the lights back on as he passed!

"No!" shouted Will, but there was nothing he could do. His car was too wide to pass before the finish line, and his efforts to get around Robin only pushed the Robin forward, giving Robin the victory.


	12. Chapter 12

RACE 2: Regina vs. Sidney

"Faster, you fool!" shouted Regina, as she pounded on the back of the driver's seat. She brewed up a fireball and blasted her driver with it, incinerating the hapless mercenary. As the ashes scattered, another one of her generic soldiers hopped in the driver seat and took over.

Sidney's Jaguar F Type was gaining quickly on Regina's stretch limousine. Sidney chuckled and rolled down his window. "I can't wait to see tomorrow's headline. Town reporter defeats evil queen in drift battle. They're going to give me the Pulitzer Prize for this!"

Regina grinned evilly. "There's one thing you're forgetting, Sidney…"

Both cars entered a perfect drift. "Oh," said Sidney, "And what's that?"

"I'm faster than you!"

Sidney burst out laughing. "I'm about to pass you, Regina. I think I'm the faster one."

Regina just smirked. "But if you're faster than me, why do I see you in my rear view mirror?"

A look of horror shot across Sidney's face as he realized what she meant. "Noooooooooo!" shouted Sidney as Regina's spell sucked him out of the driver's seat of his Jaguar and pulled him into her limo's rear view mirror. The Jaguar, now without a driver, sped off into the distance, a runaway car without anyone at the helm. The Jaguar was going in the wrong direction, so Regina easily crossed the finish line first.

"Haha, I knew this was going to be easy," said Regina. "Only a few more races to go and this town will have to admit I'm the fastest!"

In Regina's rear view mirror, Sidney pouted.

RACE 3: Henry vs. Smee

Smee wiped his sweaty brow with his red beanie. Henry was only a kid, like 8 years old or something. How could he be beating a grown man in a race? Was this the true power of evil at work?

Henry cackled and turned up his radio. "_And they say that a hero can save us, I'm not going to stand here and wait!" _

Henry's face turned red. "No heroes in my world! I'll see to that!"

But the song continued, "_Someone told me love would all save us but how can that be? Look what love gave us, a world full of killing and blood spilling, that world never came!"_

The lyrics put Henry in a better mood! "Aha, this is truly a song fit for one as evil as I! Take that, heroes!" Henry jerked the wheel on his Hummer and slammed it into Smee's Honda Accord.

"I surrender!" shouted Smee. "I didn't even want to be in this race! What am I doing here?"

But Henry was merciless. He rammed Smee's Accord again and watched as Smee's car flipped off the road, into a portal that he had opened into the hell realm from the film Event Horizon, a real realm that Henry could access with his evil powers.

Needless to say, Henry won the race.

RACE 4: Belle vs. Hook

Belle turned the power to full in her Nissan Juke and barely managed to juke out of the way as Hook's Holden Commodore came up alongside.

"A captain, driving a Commodore?" asked Belle.

"Aye," said Hook. "Tis a ride fit for a pirate."

A sharp turn was approaching rapidly. Hook pulled out his sextant and used it to calculate the perfect line. Both racers drifted through the corner, but Hook's precision gave him a slight edge.

Hook reached down to shift gears, but he couldn't, because he had no hand! "Blast!" shouted Hook, as Belle maneuvered around him and took the lead again.

Belle was pulling farther and farther ahead, and they were rapidly approaching the finish line. Hook played his ace in the hole. He reached over to the passenger side and slashed at some rope rigging with his hook. The ropes tore and a massive sail unfurled on top of his Commodore. The extra boost from the wind pulled him up alongside Belle, but he wasn't gaining quickly enough. Belle was still half a car length ahead.

Hook rolled down his window and reached out.

"What are you doing!?" cried Belle. As she watched, Hook reached across with his hook and slashed her tire. The Juke lost control and spun out right before the finish line. The Commodore crossed in first place.

As Hook drove ahead gleefully to the next round, Rumpelstiltskin fumed in the shadows. "The dearie thinks he can cheat my wife out of a victory? Well, I've got a few tricks of my own!"


	13. Chapter 13

Dirk Speedblood needed a mystic gem badly. Many races had already been completed, and he had no idea of where to look for any of the five gems.

Suddenly, Dirk Speedblood felt a painful sensation in his hand. He looked down, shocked to see Robin Hood trying to sever his mostly cookie hand with a jewel encrusted dagger.

"What are you doing, Robin Hood?" shouted Dirk Speedblood. He smacked Robin Hood away.

"Think of the peasants!" Robin Hood countered. "This cookie hand could feed a dozen peasants for a week!"

Dirk Speedblood hopped in his Civic and revved the engine. "You can have my hand, when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!"

Robin Hood hopped in his Reliant Robin to pursue. Dirk Speedblood gunned it toward the edge of town. Where could he go?

Dirk Speedblood saw a field of magic beans and knew he had to take his chances there. He veered off the road and started mowing down rows of magic beans with his Civic. Unbeknownst to him, the magic beans were capable of opening doors to new realms!

Robin Hood cut off his pursuit and watched as portal after portal appeared in the field. Dirk Speedblood dodged left, then dodged right. He juked another portal and drifted around another. But then through one of the portals, Dirk Speedblood saw the glimmer of a mystic gem!

Without a second thought, Dirk Speedblood powered his way through the portal right before it closed. He skidded to a stop right next to the gem and scooped it up. "One gem down, four to go!" shouted Dirk Speedblood.

But then Dirk Speedblood looked back at where the portal had been. There was nothing. He was stuck in a completely different realm!

He opened the Civic's driver side door and tumbled out of the car. "WHERE AM I!?" he shouted at the sky.

"Hmm, indeed, you are in my laboratory, my friend," said an old pipe-smoking man with a mustache and wispy white hair. I see you have come for the mystic gem.

Dirk Speedblood looked at the man and was shocked. The man was none other than the fabled master scientist Albert Einstein.


	14. Chapter 14

"Please, Dr. Einstein," said Dirk Speedblood, "We don't have any magic to use to get back to our home. Is there anything you can do to help?"

"I am afraid not," the doctor said with a sigh, "There is no magic in my world, there is nothing. Well, perhaps there is something…"

"What is it?" demanded Dirk Speedblood, "We will try anything."

"Let me think of how best to explain it," mused Dr. Einstein. "I shall explain with an example. Now, as you should know, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, correct?"

"Yes, doctor," said Dirk Speedblood impatiently.

"But in your racing, you cannot always take that path, can you?"

"Of course," said Dirk Speedblood, "That's why I drift."

"Ah, you have grasped the concept!" Einstein said with a smile, clapping his hands together. "By drifting, you are able to travel the shortest practical distance between two points. Similarly, if our two points exist as dots on a piece of paper, we could fold the paper to bring the dots together, reducing the distance needed to travel between them, such that it would be less than the distance of drawing a line to connect them."

"Oh, I see," replied Dirk Speedblood, "So you mean you have a way to fold space?"

"Well… no," Dr. Einstein said sadly, "But perhaps, with your help, I can."

Dirk Speedblood leaned forward, eager to catch every word. Only by returning to Storybrooke would he be able to end the wretched gingerbread curse he had fallen under and prevent Die Stein Ring from destroying the world. He had stopped them several times in the past, and he vowed that he would not fail in his quest to stop them once more. The threat Die Stein Ring posed as a group was larger than that of any single individual. And to fight a group like that, he knew it was necessary that he have an even stronger group on his side. A single-handed victory would be ideal, for no one else would be at risk, but it wasn't possible. Still, it brought a tear to his eye and a lump to his throat every time he relived Krystal Kimiko's last moments in the world. If only he could have been stronger, he could have saved her. He had to be strong, strong enough to save everyone. Right now, with his body turning slowly to gingerbread, he was afraid he wasn't strong enough to save anyone.

"…and so," Dr. Einstein explained, "That is how my device that harnesses the power of drifting to open holes in the fabric of space time works. If you've followed the equations thus far, you've realized that it will take multiple cars, drifting in perfect synchronization, in order for it to work. I've been unable to test my theory because I've never found a second driver good enough to achieve that synchronization. But if you are as good as you claim, well, I think I can send you back!"

Dirk Speedblood frowned. "But who is the first driver?"

"Who do you think?" Dr. Einstein said with a laugh, "Me, of course! Come, let me show you the course we will be drifting. You must know it like the back of your hand."

Dirk Speedblood glanced at his right hand, the fingertips already tinged the tell-tale brown of gingerbread. He wasn't so sure he knew the back of his hand anymore, but for the sake of everyone living on Earth, he had to try.


	15. Chapter 15

"Tell me, young Dirk Speedblood, do you know the reason why an infinity sign is shaped the way it is?" asked Albert Einstein.

Dirk Speedblood remembered his days back at St. Dominic's Academy. "Yes I do, Professor Einstein. The infinity sign represents the shape of a drift that can go on forever and ever."

Einstein was impressed. "So, can you tell me what shape the track we'll be using to drift you back to your own universe is?"

Dirk Speedblood furrowed his brow and thought for a moment. "Hmm… Could it be… the shape of an infinity sign?"

The nutty professor clapped and did a little jig. "Yes my boy! That's exactly it! You are quite brilliant! Now let's go to my custom racetrack!" Einstein paused a second to look at Dirk Speedblood's 1993 Honda Civic. "Wow, this automobile is truly a feat of engineering! Maybe someday, my people will be able to make something that can match it!"

"I doubt it," replied Dirk Speedblood, as he patted his Civic. "But they can try."

Einstein hopped in his Moskvitch 400 and gunned the engine. He sped off into the distance, and Dirk Speedblood followed.

As they reached Einstein's custom track, Dirk Speedblood saw the telltale infinity sign along with a sign showing the track's name. Dirk Speedblood spoke it aloud. "Einsteinring."

He thought about it for a moment. What about the name sounded familiar? "Einsteinring… Like Die Stein Ring." Die Stein Ring was a group of nihilists hellbent on destroying the world. Dirk Speeblood vowed to stop them.

"Einsteinring… Die Stein Ring… Die Einstein Ring…? Einstein dies?" Alerted by the sudden revelation, Dirk Speedblood rolled down his window. "Professor Einstein, you're in danger!"

Einstein couldn't hear because he had his Ramstein turned up too loud (he had imported it from Dirk Speedblood's universe into his own alternate universe Germany). He was caught off guard when a Volkswagen Rabbit and a Mitsubishi Turtle burst from the nearby trees and rammed him off the track.

As Einstein's car flipped, he called back to Dirk Speedblood. "You can do it, Dirk Speedblood! Just believe in yourself!" And then Dirk Speedblood couldn't hear Einstein any more as his car tumbled off into the distance.

The Tortoise and the Hare laughed heartily. "What will you do without your scientist now, Dirk Speedblood? You're looking more and more like a cookie every day!" It was true. Dirk Speedblood was looking more and more like a cookie every day.

Dirk Speedblood slammed his Civic against the Tortoise's Turtle, but the tortoise ducked his head inside his shell to avoid taking damage. Then Dirk Speedblood pumped his gearshift to send his car into an impossible drift.

"Nooooo…" said the Tortoise.

The Hare shouted, "Stop him!" but it was too late. Dirk Speedblood had entered the drift. Within a matter of seconds, he had drifted through the full infinity shape. And as he continued the drift, reality bent around him and he saw tunnels through space and time, portals into myriad realities. He spotted Snow White and aimed his car at the tunnel that would bring him back to her.

Dirk Speedblood drifted through the portal and shuddered as he felt a collision. "What's going on?" he asked himself. Scraps of wood were flying everywhere. As he slowed down to see what had happened, Snow White's car sped past him.

Dirk Speedblood finally figured out what was going on when he saw Gepetto panicking near a large pile of splinters. The random body parts and car parts made it obvious that the pile had previously been Gepetto's car. Gepetto raised a fist in rage. "Dirk Speedblood, where did you come from? I had that corner!"

"I think that corner had you." Dirk Speedblood smirked and sped off after Snow White. Dirk Speedblood's accidental interruption had given Snow White the win in her first race in the tournament. Gepetto angrily through a disembodied wooden arm at Dirk Speedblood's car, but it bounced feebly off the rear windshield of the Civic.

Still, Dirk Speedblood couldn't relax yet. He only had one of the five mystical gems, and he was rapidly becoming a cookie.


	16. Chapter 16

Charming zoomed ahead in his Crown Victoria, narrowly avoiding a collision with Grumpy's AMC Gremlin. "Give it up, Grumpy!" he shouted. "You don't have what it takes!"

"Indeed, dearie, we'll see about that," retorted Grumpy, sounding an awful lot like Rumpelstiltskin.

Grumpy fired a magical blast out his driver side window. The blast hit Charming's car, and the wheels turned into pumpkins. Charming veered to regain control. "That's not fair!" he pouted.

The AMC Gremlin was gaining an insurmountable lead. Charming rolled down his driver side window and reached out, sword in hand. "Hey!" he shouted as he threw the sword. The sword flew off toward the AMC Gremlin, straight at its tires.

Suddenly, the AMC Gremlin veered to the side. "What?!" cried Charming. "I know Grumpy, and he isn't a good enough driver to have dodged that. Something fishy is going on here!"

They passed the finish line, Grumpy in the lead. "You lost!?" screamed Snow White. Hook facepalmed with his hook. Henry kicked Charming in the shin.

Regina gloated. "One Charming out of the race. This keeps getting easier and easier."

"It's not that simple," argued Charming. "I think Rumpelstiltskin replaced Grumpy. He made a dodge that Grumpy never would have pulled off."

"Whatever," laughed Regina. "I've made an interesting discovery."


	17. Chapter 17

"I've used my magic to locate the land in which we can find the next crystal," said Regina, "But don't bother thanking me; your feeble minds wouldn't be able to comprehend just how difficult that is."

Dirk Speedblood nodded. He didn't particularly care how magic worked, and he still wasn't sure he even believed it existed. Drifting was what he knew; drifting was the anchor in the stormy sea of reality that he knew he could always hang onto. "Well, using the method that Dr. Einstein taught me, I'll be able to drift us to the correct universe. Just let me know when we reach the right one."

With that, everyone piled into Dirk Speedblood's Civic. As he moved his right hand to put it into gear, he couldn't miss how far the gingerbread had spread up his arm, his fingers becoming increasingly less flexible. For how much longer would he be able to drive? Could he see this through? "Alright, hang on everyone. All I need to do is drift the infinity symbol."

He dumped the clutch and did a burnout, then threw the car into a tight drift. The Civic eagerly responded, almost as though it was alive. As he drifted the pattern, he opened his mind's eye to the infinite vistas of the drift, worlds flickering in and out of sight like a bored kid flipping channels during the daytime in the summer when there's nothing good on TV. The walls of reality were about to bend to his will when suddenly Henry spoke up from the backseat. "Didn't you say you were going to drift an infinity symbol? This is just a figure eight!"

The words seemed to burn themselves into Dirk Speedblood's mind. _Just a figure eight… Didn't you say you were going to drift an infinity symbol… This is just a figure eight… Didn't you say you were going to drift an infinity symbol… Just a figure eight… Figure eight… Infinity symbol… Figure eight… Figure eight…_

Dirk Speedblood fought to retain the image in his mind of the infinite drift, but he couldn't. The drift collapsed, and they were still in Storybrooke. "Henry, what did you do that for?" Charming demanded.

"Leave him alone!" Regina shouted, "He's evil now, and that means that he isn't responsible for his actions."

Dirk Speedblood tried to clear his mind, but Henry's words refused to leave. He knew he would be unable to do the infinite drift trick ever again; there was no possible way that he could ever regain the proper mindset. "Are we giving up then?" asked Hook.

"That depends, deary," came a voice from somewhere above them.

Everyone looked up, but they couldn't see anything through the roof of the Civic. Rushing out, they found that the person speaking was Rumpelstiltskin, who was sprawled out on top of the Civic like David Hasselhoff eating hamburgers. "Have you been there the whole time?!" demanded Hook, angrily pointing his hook at his nemesis.

"You should know better than to underestimate me," said Rumpelstiltskin slyly, sliding off the roof and onto his feet, "And you should know that with Dirk Speedblood's… hmmmm… inability that the only one who can help you is me."

As he said this he pointed at himself with a flourish. "Why should we trust you, crocodile?" demanded Hook.

"Why?" Rumpelstiltskin said in a cruel imitation of Hook, "Why? Because deep down we all want the same things, deary. Not that I have any interest in your… hmmm… _charming_ friends," he said with a vague gesture towards Charming, "But I want peace and stability. And it seems like I'm the only one who can help."

"And what's your price?" demanded Emma, "Everyone knows that your help comes with a price."

Rumpelstiltskin waggled his finger at her, "My price, deary? You really are starting to catch on. I was beginning to fear you were as quarter-witted as your pirate captain. But I don't want anything extra. Simply sending your group to the realm in which the next crystal exists is payment enough for me."

"Very well," said Dirk Speedblood, "We accept your generous offer."

"As you wish, deary!" Rumpelstiltskin said as he began making elaborate gestures with his hands, "All of you will return to Storybrooke once Dirk Speedblood touches the crystal, so do try and make sure that you find it. Otherwise, you'll be trapped there forever!"

Before anyone could respond, there was a flash of purplish-green light and they vanished. "Tick tock, Killian," whispered Rumpelstiltskin menacingly, "Tick tock!"

Meanwhile, Belle was cleaning the stockroom of the pawn shop. "That's strange," she mused to herself. "I could have sworn that this jar used to have a human hand in it."

The jar in question was tucked away, full of a clear liquid and seemingly unremarkable. And indeed, instead of a human hand, it held a foot. A crocodile foot…


	18. Chapter 18

"Aaaaaaaah, sevenya, gabagisi ma ga!" a distant voice cried out, echoing over the plains.

"Where are we?" asked Emma.

Dirk Speedblood surveyed the land. Green meadows and even greener forests surrounded a giant rock formation at the center of the plains. "I've seen this before…" he said. "I think this is Africa."

"Pshaw, now I've heard everything," Regina said angrily. "Everyone knows Africa is a frozen wasteland."

"That's Antarctica, mom," chuckled Henry. "I'm an idiot kid and even I know that."

Everyone laughed at Regina, which only served to make her a little angrier. "Ok, ok, then," said Regina. "Africa it is. But what happens now?"

Dirk Speedblood noticed something strange. His hand wasn't part cookie any more. Because it wasn't a hand any more! Dirk Speedblood held up his hand, but instead of a hand, it was a furry claw! "Guys…" he said.

The others started to notice something was different.

"Bloody hell, what is this?" shouted Hook. He noticed that his arm was scaled and cracked, and that his teeth were really sharp. "I'm a crocodile, noooooooo!"

Dirk Speedblood looked around at the others. Emma was a big bird, maybe a swan, maybe a duck. Like the legend of the ugly duckling, there was no way to tell for sure.

Regina was a bat, flitting about above the rest, still looking evil as bats tend to. Henry was a vampire bat, symbolizing the corruption in his heart. Snow White was a white lion, fitting emblem of a royal kingdom. Charming was a sphinctaur, half man, half lion, like the sphinx of old.

Dirk Speedblood wasn't sure what he was. A strange furry creature with the speed of a cheetah, the ferocity of a wolf, and the nobility of a lion. 1/3 of each, if he had to guess.

"I'm a batman!" shouted Henry as he started to fly off toward the giant rock at the middle of the plain.

Hook hobbled on his hook paw. "The Crocodile is going to pay for what he did."

Charming scratched his head. "But now YOU'RE the Crocodile."

Hook turned red, if it was possible for a crocodile to do that. "I am not! I'm definitely an alligator or something else."

Snow White took the lead. "It doesn't matter now. Let's just get the gem and get out of here."

The group crawled, ran, and flew toward the giant rock formation.

Dirk Speedblood saw the magical gem he was looking for. "Alright guys, let's grab the gem and get out of here!"

Emma honked. "Can it really be that easy?"

A lion appeared at the top of the rock formation. "No, it's not."

Dirk Speedblood recognized the Lion from the movie The Lion King. "Simba!" he cried. "Awesome!"

Simba frowned. "If you take that gem, the land will be corrupted. All the life here will wither and die. It's like when Scar took over the kingdom, only worse."

Henry chimed in. "Cool, let's do that!" Henry and Regina did a bat high five.

The Charmings looked concerned. Together they spoke, "If we do this, all the inhabitants of the animal kingdom will be doomed to a long, slow death. But if we don't, Dirk Speedblood will turn into a cookie. So I say we take the gem. We can't abandon our friends."

"I'll have no hand in this!" shouted Hook, and he stormed away.

Emma made goose noises. "Ok, it's decided then. Sorry Simba, but we're taking the gem."

"Nooooooooo!" roared Simba as he leapt at the gang, throwing a haymaker at Dirk Speedblood. Dirk Speedblood reached for his katanas, but then he realized he couldn't hold a katana with claws instead of hands!

A female lion spoke, interrupting Simba's attack. "Simba, stop it. Can't you see these are good people?" She eyeballed Henry. "Ok, most of them."

Simba wilted. "Ok," he said. "You can have the gem if Nala wants you to."

Dirk Speedblood studied Nala. True, she was a lion, but there was something familiar about her features. Something almost Japanese. Could it be…?

"Nala, are you Krystal Kimiko?" Dirk Speedblood asked. Dirk Speedblood's girlfriend Krystal Kimiko had been by his side up until the moment she was tragically shattered into crystalline shards that powered up Dirk Speedblood's Civic in a moment of need.

"I think I might be," said Nala, "but it's hard to remember."

"Ok, you're coming with us, too," replied Dirk Speedblood.

Simba roared in protest. "First you take my kingdom! Then you take my wife! This is too insulting, now I take your life!" But while he was talking, everyone had already escaped.

The crew arrived back at the portal, but it blurred ominously in and out of sight. Regina made a bat frown. "It looks like conservation of mass is going to be a problem here. If the lion girl is coming back, someone else is going to need to stay."

Hook raised his hook. "We can leave the Darker One here. I certainly wouldn't mind being a full universe away from his evil trickery."

Bat Henry stuck out his tongue. "Not in your dreams, _Crocodile._" Hook turned purple and mumbled something under his breath.

Dirk Speedblood finally realized Rumpelstiltskin's ploy. "I get it, guys. Rumpelstiltskin knew I wouldn't be turning into a cookie here, so he thought he could get me to stay forever. But I can't, not when we've nearly got all the gems!"

"I'll stay!" everyone turned. It was Charming speaking. "The sphinctaurs are my people now. With the animal kingdom withering, they'll need me more than ever. The creatures here need a leader, and what better leader for them than a prince?"

"Aww," said Snow White. "How noble of you! That's why I love you so much!"

And with that, everyone except Charming jumped back through the portal. Snow White looked back and saw other sphinctaurs coming up around the hills, saluting nobly. "Good night, sweet sphinctaur prince, I knew thee well," she said, quoting Shakespeare as she jumped into the portal.

On the other side of the portal, everyone checked themselves. They were all back to human form… all except Krystal Kimiko, who now stood upright like a human but still had feline features like fur, ears and a tail.

"Hmm," said Regina, "something doesn't seem right. Are you sure this is your girlfriend?"

"As sure as I've ever been," said Dirk Speedblood. "Now let's get the rest of the gems and save Storybrooke! But more importantly, save me!"


	19. Chapter 19

"We can't waste time watching those other idiots race," said Regina, "We need to go to the next crystal now."

"Krystals? Like me?" asked Krystal Kimiko.

"More like you than you know, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin, "But perhaps you will learn…"

He held the ominous pause for a minute, letting the silence last long enough to become awkward. "You avoided my last trap, so why don't we call this one a reward for your, hmmmm, ingenuity."

The treacherous Dark One snapped his fingers and an impossibly blue portal appeared out of thin air. Before anyone could react, they were all sucked through.

The shimmering portal disgorged everyone in a brilliantly blue flash that knocked them all to the ground. As they staggered to their feet, they looked around, eager to determine where they had ended up this time. "Where are we?" asked Dirk Speedblood.

"I don't know," said Hook.

"But at least we're still human this time," he added with a shudder.

Indeed, the time that he had spent as a crocodile had been among the worst experiences of his life. The experience had given him some insight into the mind of his hated foe, and it scared him. How similar was he to Rumpelstiltskin? Was good what you did or was it what you were? He brushed off the intrusive thoughts as Snow White spoke. "Maybe we're in the Enchanted Forest. Doesn't it look like it could be?"

Snow White was right. They stood in the middle of a vast field of tall grass and spectacularly colored wildflowers. Off in the distance, perhaps three or four miles away, was a vast forest, in front of which stood a proud castle. Nearer to where they were standing was a village being burned to the ground by an army of knights in shiny armor. "You see? That castle, those cottages with thatched roofs—"

"Not for much longer," Regina interjected dryly.

Snow White shot Regina a glare. "Look, my point is, maybe we're back in our world. I don't think they still have cottages and knights back in Storybrooke's world."

"We do have knights," said Emma, "But they're mostly past their prime musicians like the Beatles. Well, the ones who are still alive, anyway."

"Your horseless carriage is a musical knight?" asked Hook, "Your world is strange, love."

"No, Beatle with an 'ea' not an 'ee.'"

"You've lost me," said Hook with a blank look on his face.

Regina growled in frustration. "Can't you idiots stay focused for five minutes? We're here to collect one of the mystic gems that we need for a spell that can undo transformation curses, not to have inane conversations and gawk at castles like back-country yokels!"

"Well, dearies, it's a good thing that you brought _me_ along," cackled Rumpelstiltskin, "Because IIIIIIII," he said, stretching out the "I," "know exactly where we are and what our, hmmm, fine young friend must do!"

"Oh really," said Regina, "And how can you know that? This place is a magical void. I'm not detecting anything."

"Magic," said Rumpelstiltskin, waving his hands back and forth, "Magic is everywhere around us, but you can't detect it because it's in a different form. Never were my best student, dearie!"

"A different form?" Regina scowled, ignoring the insult to her prodigious magical skills, "What do you mean?"

"A different form?" Rumpelstiltskin imitated her in a falsetto mockingly, "What I mean, Ms. _ex_-mayor, is that the very foundation of magic is different in this world—" he gestured grandly, "than it is in ours."

Hearing this, Hook began creeping closer to Rumpelstiltskin, surreptitiously preparing his eponymous hook for a blow to his foul enemy's wicked heart. If magic functioned differently here, perhaps the monster that had ruined his life was powerless. Without bothering to turn around, Rumpelstiltskin held up the index finger of his right hand and sneered, "But it is a form of magic that I have mastered, so you probably don't want to try that, laddie."

Hook grimaced and dropped his arm to his side, "I'll get you one day, crocodile."

"You two can try to kill each other later," snapped Regina, "But what kind of magic does this world have?"

"Music," replied the golden imp, "Music is the only magic in this realm."

"So we've just got to sing a song?" asked Snow, "I'm good at singing."

"Of course you would be," muttered Regina under her breath, sickened as always at her cloyingly perfect step-daughter.

"What was that?" asked Snow innocently.

Louder, Regina said, "No, I think I understand now. In order for the magic to work, it has to be done by the one who the spell is for. Dirk Speedblood, you must sing!"

"Me? No, I can't," said Dirk Speedblood.

"Nonsense, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin, "Here, everyone can sing!"

It was true. As Dirk Speedblood started to sing, backing music suddenly could be heard, seeming to come from everywhere and yet nowhere.

TO THE MUSIC OF "BRING ME TO LIFE" BY EVANESCENCE

"How can a man be turning into a cookie

I'm a racer not a rookie

Yet my fingers are numb, I'm losing hope

A cookie cannot win a race

How can this be? I'm at the end of my rope," sang Dirk Speedblood in a voice that could charm the birds out of a tree. Suddenly Rumpelstiltskin broke in and started raping to add the second verse.

"Un-curse me, un-curse me," sang Dirk Speedblood as Rumpelstiltskin rapped, "Can't stay cursed!"

"Un-curse me," sang Dirk Speedblood as Rumpelstiltskin rapped, "Can't stay cursed!"

"Make me whole and save me from the curse!" sang Dirk Speedblood as Rumpelstiltskin rapped, "Can't stay cursed!"

"Give me normal blood," sang Dirk Speedblood as Rumpelstiltskin rapped, "Can't stay cursed!"

"I'm dragged through the mud," sang Dirk Speedblood as Rumpelstiltskin rapped, "Save him!"

"Save me from this cookie I've become," sang Dirk Speedblood.

As Dirk Speedblood continued to sing and Rumpelstiltskin continued to rap, the air seemed to buzz and fill with magic, giving it a portentous feeling like the air immediately before a lightning storm. The comparison was apt as suddenly a bolt of brilliantly purple lightning struck the ground near the group, knocking them all to the ground and ending the song. As they got to their feet, they saw that, in the charred crater left behind by the lightning strike was a flawless purple gem the size of a baby's fist. "That must be the crystal we're looking for," exclaimed Hook.

Regina shot him a look that spoke volumes, most of which would be "Seriously?" but limited her spoken words to a mere, "Of course it is."

Dirk Speedblood grabbed the crystal. "Well, we've got this. Let's get back to Storybrooke and check in on the tournament."

"Like it matters," sneered Regina, "I'm obviously going to win."

"We'll see, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin with a twinkle in his eye, "We'll see."


	20. Chapter 20

Everyone jumped into the portal.

FIVE DAYS LATER, IN GRANNY'S

"Hey guys, do you remember anything that happened in the last five days?" asked Emma.

Hook frowned and dusted off his hook. "Arr, can't say I do."

"I remember! I remember everything!" cried Henry. A roomful of eager eyes turned to look at him. "But I'm not telling. Screw you guys."

Hook grumbled something about the Darker One.

The door to Granny's shook a little, as if someone were about to open it. The doorknob turned slightly, then a little bit more. Dirk Speedblood watched the door eagerly.

The door opened just a little bit more. Snow White tensed. Robin Hood grimaced. Like a doorway of doom, the door to the restaurant stood, not quite closed, not quite opened.

The creaking of the door was deafening. The door opened a little bit more. Now it was more than halfway open. It was as frightening as a door could be.

And suddenly, the door was completely open. And standing in the doorway was Rumpelstiltskin, foul and glittery. "Well, hello, Dearies! Miss me?" He waggled his fingers. "Weelll-eelll, of course!"

Emma challenged Rumpelstiltskin. "What have you done with our memories?"

"Tee hee hee," Rumpelstiltskin giggled. "Why, what makes you think _I _had anything to do with that?"

Krystal Kimiko roared in agreement. "Guys, we shouldn't assume he knows any more than we do."

Rumpelstiltskin grinned ear to ear. "Well, of course I know more than you do. But that's not saying much."

The comment burned Dirk Speedblood to his soul. All his life he had gotten sick of people claiming to know more than he did, when they really knew nothing at all.

Rumpelstiltskin continued. "You see, Dearies, that the tournament is nearly over. Check your brackets, oooh, hoo hoo…"

Dirk Speedblood read the board. The races were down to the final three… Snow White would take on the winner of Emma and Rumpelstiltskin. Regina, Hook, Henry, Robin Hood… all out of the running.

Regina turned flame red. "This is garbage!" she shouted. She flicked her wrist and turned two dwarves into furniture. She used telekinesis to throw Granny out the window. "I'm so mad right now!"

Robin Hood put a hand on Regina to calm her down. "I agree. And how are you even in this race, Rumpelstiltskin? You weren't even in the tournament!"

"Never mind that, Dearie," said Rumpelstilstkin with a dramatic flourish. "It doesn't matter any more. What matters is that we have a race to start!"

"I hope you guys lose!" shouted Regina. "I hope Storybrooke burns to the ground, and you all get cursed again, and then lose your memories and then get cursed again, and then repeat that five times more!"

Dirk Speedblood gave a solemn look. "But Regina, these guys are no joke. If we don't win this race, the world will end."

Regina sulked. "If I can't be the fastest driver, then this world doesn't deserve to exist."

Engines roared to life outside Granny's. "Weelll," said Rumpelstiltskin, "Enough bickering, it's time to race!"


	21. Chapter 21

Everyone walked outside of Granny's, to where Emma's Beetle and what could only be Rumpelstiltskin's Cadillac awaited. The Cadillac had clearly been modified for racing, with a matte black paint scheme, a massive rear spoiler, and wheels so wide that the wheel wells had been flared. "I think I'll enjoy this," said Rumpelstiltskin said with a smile, "It'll be the Dark One's chance to be the savior!"

Emma was about to say something in response, but suddenly all of the peasants outside watching fell to their knees. "All hail the Darker One!" they said in unison.

"The Darker One? What's wrong with you peasants? Also, aren't there usually about three times as many of you idiots just hanging around?" asked Regina.

One of the peasants pointed with a trembling finger to Henry. "He's the Darker One! He pulled the hearts out of all the others and _ate_ them! What kind of monster does that?"

"This kind of monster!" sneered Henry, as he ran forward and ripped the unfortunate villager's heart out.

"Henry, what are you doing?" gasped Emma.

"I'm going to take this heart…" said Henry, holding the glowing crystalline heart as its former owner begged and pleaded for him to return it, "…and eat it!"

Henry did as he promised, and the peasant exploded into a cloud of gray dust. "I'm the Darker One now, moms!" he said to Emma and Regina, "I have no choice. A fragment of the Dark One's dagger got embedded in me, and its evil taint is far too strong to resist."

"Is this true?" Regina demanded, whirling to face Rumpelstiltskin.

"In a manner of speaking, dearie," he replied with a simpering cackle, drawing his dagger from inside his suit jacket.

Sure enough, there was a chip near the tip where a fragment of metal must have come off. "I let my grandson play with this blade, and look what happened. Children'll break your heart. Or pull it out and eat it!" cackled the loathsome Dark One.

"But don't worry, I can fix it!" said Rumpelstiltskin, and waved his free hand over the dagger.

The dagger burst into flames and melted into slag.

"The dagger's gone! That means you're powerless, mate!" yelled Hook as he rushed forward, his hook raised over his head in preparation for a powerful downwards strike.

Rumpelstiltskin waggled his fingers contemptuously and Hook froze in place. "That you live is because I enjoy watching you suffer rather than through any skill on your part, dearie!" snarled the imp, taking pleasure in the horrified and helpless expression on the pirate's face, "But if you don't watch yourself, they'll be calling you Captain Two Hooks after I take your other hand!"

"It was a fake, wasn't it?" asked Regina.

"Obviously, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin, letting Hook collapse to the ground with a careless gesture.

"No, that can't be true," gasped Henry, "I've felt the fragment whispering dark thoughts into my mind. I've seen the corruption spread from where it's embedded in my body. Look!"

He raised his shirt. Sure enough, there was a piece of metal stuck under the skin of his chest, with dark, angry looking lines coming off of it. "Oh Henry," sighed Belle, "That's not the corrupting influence of evil. That's an infection. Have you had a Tetanus shot lately?"

"So it was all just in my mind?" gasped Henry.

"Indeed, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin, "You'll make a fine Darker One someday, but for now there's no evil whatsoever in you. You're still as sickeningly good as your mother. Well, one of your mothers."

"But that infection," said Emma, "We have to do something!"

"Not to worry, dearie," said Rumpelstiltskin, "I have jussst the thing!"

He drew a small, grubby looking stone out from his pocket. "This is a Philosopher's Stone, made by a former student of mine with a little help from yours truly. Perhaps you've heard of Nicolas Flamel?"

"That's just a story," said Dirk Speedblood, "There's no such thing as a Philosopher's Stone."

"Oh, but there is. And, since my dear old student Nick destroyed his and let himself die, this is the only one left in the entire multiverse. It can transmute any metal into gold…and turn water into an Elixir of Life that will cure any injury and extend your life," explained Rumpelstiltskin, "And right now, it's the only thing that can save Henry from that infection."

"Alright Dark One, what do you want?" scowled Emma, her arms crossed across her chest, "You say magic always has a price, so what's the cost of this one?"

"Oh, this?" Rumpelstiltskin said with a careless expression, "I was just going to give it to you to save my grandson, but if you insist on paying…"

He made a great show of thinking it over. "I'll give it to you if you can beat me in this race!"


	22. Chapter 22

Emma's engine roared like a furious roaring beast. Rumpelstiltskin's Cadillac was right in front, heavy fog pouring over his massive spoiler.

"Rumpelstiltskin!" she shouted. "Give me that stone!"

"Hehehe, Dearie," cackled Rumpelstiltskin. "You know the price of this magic. You need to beat me fair and square!"

Emma shifted up to second gear. Rumpelstiltskin did the same.

The Beetle and the Cadillac were only inches apart, but the road was too narrow to pass. "Ugh," Emma groaned. "I need some kind of miracle…"

Suddenly, Henry appeared in the road in front of the race. "Hey you!" he shouted, as he threw a handful of glittering gems straight at Rumpelstiltskin's windshield. As the gems struck, they each burst into colorful plumes of smoke, filling the cabin of Rumpelstiltskin's car with a solid wall of color. Rumpelstiltskin veered off, and Emma crossed the finish line first.


	23. Chapter 23

"My gems!" shouted Dirk Speedblood. "Henry, what have you done?"

Henry smirked. "Those gems were too powerful for any one person to have. And now that I know I'm a good person again, I had to help my mom win the race."

"You fool!" cried Dirk Speedblood. "Now I'm going to be stuck as a cookie forever!"

Rumpelstiltskin kicked open the door to his car. "Foul trickery," he lilted, "is not to be tolerated."

Hook lit a cigarette with his hook, which held a lighter in a secret compartment in the tip. "Well boo on you, Dark One. The rules never said Henry couldn't do that!"

"Oh, indeed?" laughed Rumpelstiltskin, "so that's how you want to play?" He waggled his fingers dramatically, and sparkling mist rained from the sky on the crowd. Suddenly everyone looked confused and dejected.

"Aww man…" said Henry. "Rumpelstiltskin won!"

Regina looked dejected. "So if Emma lost, that means Henry will die, right?"

Dirk Speedblood felt confused. "Wait a second, what just happened?"

Rumpelstiltskin pulled a rabbit out of a black top hat. "Magic."


	24. Chapter 24

"Well, all my dearies, it's time for the last race of the tournament, to see which of us will face the Tortoise and the Hare in mortal autosports. Are you ready, Snow?" Rumpelstiltskin taunted.

"Wait just a damn minute!" shouted Regina. "What about Henry?"

"Oh," said Rumpelstiltskin, putting a hand on his chin to think dramatically. "Well, I have an idea."

"Speak," said Regina, glaring accusingly at the magical hobgoblin man.

"Henry's infection is here in the present day. So we just send Henry back in time to a point before the infection happened. As long as we do that, the infection won't be a problem."

"Nooo!" cried Henry. "I don't want to be away from my mother!"

"I thoooought you'd say that," said Rumpelstiltskin with a finger waggle. "But I have just the answer for you." He waved a hand, and a portal opened.

Hook peered through the portal. "Is that… Cora?"

"Hehehe, right you are!" chimed Rumpelstiltskin. "Henry, all you have to do is jump through that portal, pretend you're the prince of the kingdom, and win Cora's heart. Just make sure you name your baby Regina."

"Deal!" shouted Henry as he jumped into the portal, and the portal flickered shut behind him.

Regina was briefly overcome with emotion. So the Henry who had so tenderly raised her was the same Henry she had raised from an infant. And, with a frown, she realized that she was now the great granddaughter of Rumpelstiltskin and the Charmings.

"But, couldn't we have just used the Philosopher's Stone?" asked Emma. But no one answered.

Dirk Speedblood gritted his teeth. "This still doesn't solve the problem of my cookie transformation." He dramatically nibbled on his fingertips.

"Remember what tree-Marion said?" Robin Hood spoke up for the first time in a while. "It's not just the gems. You can also be saved by Aladdin!"

"But I don't know any Aladdin!" cried Dirk Speedblood.

He was cut off by the roar of an engine. The town's residents looked around in confusion. Rumpelstiltskin's Cadillac sped past.

"Oh no!" Snow White's face turned beet red. "We were talking too long! Rumpelstiltskin gave himself a head start!"


	25. Chapter 25

Snow White jumped into her custom 300ZX, but in her heart she knew it was already too late. The lead that Rumpelstiltskin had built up was too much, even for her skills to overcome. But she had to try, she knew, no matter how hopeless it seemed. After all, she had been able to thwart the machinations of an evil queen and the literal personification of evil several times in the past. What was one more hopeless cause?

But no matter how many times she turned the keys, the car wouldn't turn over. The starter would cough and groan for a few seconds, and there would be a few clicks as the alternator failed to engage. "No!" she shouted, "You can't let me down now!"

"I see your natural facility with animals doesn't extend to cars," mused Regina as she climbed into the passenger seat.

"Regina? What are you doing here?" asked Snow White.

"If I can't run in this race myself, I'll have to just help you," Regina responded, twirling her hands and sending a massive ball of magical energy into the car's dashboard.

Instantly, the 300ZX roared to life, and the pulsating roar of its exhaust seemed to be charged with a menacing energy that it had lacked before. "What are you waiting for?" demanded Regina, "Just go!"

Snow White instantly obeyed, dropping the clutch and leaving a trail of burning rubber behind. The trail of fire was an acid green, clearly the result of Regina's magic working on the car. While the car had sounded especially menacing before she started, once the car was in motion it seemed positively malevolent. It was as though the car was a demon grudgingly pressed into service, doing its level best to kill them. On every turn, it seemed as though it was just barely under her control, as though the tiniest of mistakes would end fatally. It was truly a devil Z, which was quickly being reflected in the car's exterior.

The white paint was gradually darkening, going from a gleaming white to a matte black, the headlights taking on a vivid red hue the color of fresh blood. A menacing aura, like a brooding storm cloud, surrounded the car, occasional flashes of lightning coming out of it as the car raced ever further. Throughout the car's transformation, it just kept going faster and faster, until catching up to Rumpelstiltskin no longer seemed quite as impossible as it had when the race began.

Inside the car, Regina's face was contorted into a grimace of pure concentration as she fed every bit of her magic into the hungering beast that had once been a 300ZX. "Faster…" she managed to grit between clenched teeth, "You have… to go… faster!"

Snow White was at the very limits of her skill as a racer, but she did her best to obey. Still, there was very little of the race left. She could see the finish line ahead, and Rumpelstiltskin was easily in the lead by four car lengths. It would take a miracle for her to pull off a win, but she refused to stop until the bitter end.

That was the moment when a brilliantly blue portal opened in front of Rumpelstiltskin's car and a figure appeared out of it. It was Prince Charming!

"Hey!" he shouted, throwing a sword at Rumpelstiltskin's car.

Rumpelstiltskin swerved to avoid the flying blade, opening up a path for Snow White to pass before the final turn. But as she entered the turn, the devil Z suddenly and treacherously betrayed her. The car began slipping, and would clearly spin out. "I can't hold it!" Snow White cried out.

Regina wasted no time in acting with her magic. A wave of her hand made a second steering wheel appear on the passenger's side, and she gripped it. "We have to be in perfect sync for this to work!" she yelled at Snow, "On three! One… Two… Three!"

They simultaneously turned their wheels, and the car regained its lost traction, slipping across the finish line before Rumpelstiltskin could.


	26. Chapter 26

Rumpelstiltskin seethed. "Dearies, you'll pay for this! Do you realize what you've done?"

"Um, no…?" replied Snow White.

"You've killed us all! I was our last, best chance at beating the tortoise and the hare and stopping the world from ending. I may be evil, but my goal is to turn the world evil, not destroy it!" All eyes were on Rumpelstiltskin. "You see, if I hold my Dark One dagger, I can command myself to WIN, and then it becomes physically impossible for me to lose."

Regina cackled and conjured a ball of flame. "I'm evil, too, but I'm telling you, I was our best chance to win that race. We were screwed from the moment I was out of the tournament."

A single hand rose in the following silence. A cookie hand. "Guys," said Dirk Speedblood, "It's fine. Snow White and I can win this race."

Hook chuckled and sipped some rum from the nozzle on the end of his hook. "That's laughable. Once we lost those gems, you lost your last chance, mate. Pretty soon you're going to go full cookie on us."

It was true. Dirk Speedblood's extremities were all cookie now. He didn't have much time left.

"Waaaaaiiiiiiittttt…" cried a rickety, whispering voice.

"Where did that come from" asked Emma.

After a quick search, the party located the source of the noise. Gepetto's car. Freshly rebuilt after its terrible loss earlier in the tournament, the car now had some new wood paneling. And in the center of the wood-paneled hood was a face. Robin Hood chimed in. "I get it now! When Henry cut down Tree-Marion, Gepetto must have used the wood to improve his car… And now Marion and I are both HOODS in one way or another, hahahaha!"

The old wooden face spoke again. "Even without the gems, there is still hope. The one who can save you is Aladdin…"

Regina launched a fireball at the wooden face. "Stupid tree. Leave Robin Hood alone! You said that before. None of us cared then, and none of us cared now. I killed you once and I can kill you again!"

Tree-Marion let out a weary laugh. "No, Regina. I wasn't able to finish my sentence. Not just Aladdin… but A LAD IN a Honda Civic."

Every single person in the area gasped. All eyes turned to Dirk Speedblood. Emma spoke up finally, "Dirk Speedblood, it looks like you're the savior this time. Go out and get them."

The engines of the Volkswagen Rabbit and the Mitsubishi Turtle roared in the distance.

"It's time," said Dirk Speedblood. "Time for one final race."


	27. Chapter 27

"Of course!" shouted Belle running off to Gold's shop.

Everyone waited around until she returned. "Look here, in this book," she said, gesturing at a magnificently gilded volume.

Everyone leaned over to read what was written on the pages. "I see," said Regina, "It says here that the only way for the curse to be broken is for the person who is cursed to succeed at the activity that defines them."

"I don't understand," said Charming.

"That's because you've got a room temperature IQ," Regina snapped, "Obviously, Dirk Speedblood has to win a race to break this curse. So as long as he beats the Tortoise and the Hare, the curse will be broken. But if he fails, he'll be a cookie forever."

"Or until I eat him!" joked Hook with an evil leer on his face.

Regina ignored the interruption. "Before you go out and race, I'm afraid I've got to warn you about something," said Regina to Dirk Speedblood, "You only have, at most, about an hour left before you're completely a cookie. The more you push yourself, the faster it will accelerate. If you push yourself to the very limits of your abilities, it might be as little as ten minutes."

"I understand," said Dirk Speedblood, "I'll just have to rein in my racing ability and only race exactly as well as I need to in order to win."

"Come on!" shouted the Hare, "Are we having a race, or are you just going to stand around talking?"

Regina stalked up to the Hare and ripped his heart out of his chest and crushed it into powder. Surprisingly, the Hare didn't react. "An unworthy trick!" the rabbit sneered, "But my heart and that of my partner the Tortoise beat as one. Destroying one of our hearts will do nothing!"

The Hare got back into his Volkswagen and started revving the engine. "The appointed time is at hand! The race begins… now!"

Dirk Speedblood and Snow White barely had the opportunity to get into their cars and start the race, but it quickly became apparent that the Tortoise and the Hare were no ordinary opponents. Their advantage started slowly creeping up, until they were at least four car lengths ahead of Snow White's Z and Dirk Speedblood's Civic. "It's no good," muttered Dirk Speedblood, "I'll have to access more of my driving ability."

He pushed it into overdrive, both figuratively and literally. As he ran the Civic up into its top gear, he poured every ounce of his concentration into his driving, which had two immediate results.

The gap started closing, but the gingerbread curse started progressing ever more rapidly up his arms, until they were completely made out of gingerbread. "I can't give up now!" Dirk Speedblood shouting, pushing even harder.

His Civic was even with the Tortoise and the Hare as they went flying through the corners. Snow White was doing a valiant effort of keeping up, but she was clearly outclassed by the other three racers. It would come down to Dirk Speedblood alone to win the race and save the world. But the more he pushed it, the more rapidly he was becoming a cookie. Robbed of his flesh and blood, his reflexes were slowing down, his cookie appendages losing dexterity and strength as transformation spread. His feet felt as though they were stuck in heavy boots, and gradually he began to slip backwards, inch by inch.

"It won't end like this!" Dirk Speedblood gritted through a mouth that was more gingerbread than flesh.

He clumsily rolled down the driver's side window of the Civic and stuck his left arm out, then rolled it back up. The edge of the window easily cut through the gingerbread of his arm, neatly severing it and providing him with a minor speed boost as the car got lighter.

But it wasn't enough. The Tortoise and the Hare had crossed the finish line ahead of him and Snow White was so far back that the headlights of her car were only faintly visible. "I lost?" gasped Dirk Speedblood.

"Indeed, young man," the Tortoise said mockingly, "And now it is time for the world to end! In the name of Die Steinring, I call upon the Aspect of Speed to grant my wish!"

A deep, reverberating voice filled the clearing the race had ended at. It was a cacophonous mixture of engine sounds and car horns that was barely recognizable as human speech. "I HEAR YOU, WINNER OF THE RACE FOR THE FATE OF THE WORLD. WHAT DO YOU DESIRE? FOR THE WORLD TO END OR FOR IT TO CONTINUE?"

This was it, Dirk Speedblood knew. The instant the Tortoise spoke, the world would end and it would be all his fault. "Wait!" he managed to gasp, "You didn't win!"

"What? That's absurd!" said the Hare, "We beat you fair and square!"

"No, you couldn't have possibly won! Regina ripped your heart out!"

"That doesn't matter," said the Hare smugly, "Because our hearts beat as one."

"Aha!" Dirk Speedblood said triumphantly, pointing at the Hare with his one remaining arm, "Which means that when you lost your heart, that also means that the Tortoise lost his!"

The Tortoise's eyes widened at this revelation. "What? We lost? How can this—"

Before the Tortoise could finish his sentence, he was cut short by being run over by Snow White, who had finally made it to the clearing. The Tortoise and the Hare were both crushed underneath the wheels of her Devil Z. Their final struggles were quickly ended by strange beams of purple light that came out of the headlights of the demonic car, sucking their very essences out of their mangled bodies.

The Aspect of Speed spoke again, "WINNERS OF THE RACE FOR THE FATE OF THE WORLD. WHAT DO YOU DESIRE?"

"For the world to continue!" Dirk Speedblood shouted defiantly.

"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED."

"Is that it?" asked Snow White, "Is it really all over?"

"Yes, it is," said Dirk Speedblood, "Look, I'm not made out of gingerbread anymore!"

"I'm afraid you're wrong, Dearie!" said Rumpelstiltskin, "Not about your curse being broken, but about it being over. Your story never ends, Dirk Speedblood."

"I suppose you're right," said Dirk Speedblood, "Come on, Krystal Kimiko, it's time for us to go."

The half lion woman growled her agreement and climbed into the Civic. The pair drove off into the faint light of dawn, bringing with it the promise of a new day and a new adventure.


End file.
